Thursday, June 18, 2009

Who is this christian guy anyways?

I realize that I've been blogging about CN a lot lately. Can't help it. He's on my mind a lot.

I also realize that I haven't given you guys a lot of background on CN, besides the fact that he's my ex-boyfriend and that I still (think I) love him.

This post therefore is dedicated to CN and the times we've shared. CN, by the way, stands for christian neighbor. He's literally the guy next door and also happens to be a very dedicated christian.

Anyways. Starting from the beginning...

Four years ago, CN became my first boyfriend. Exciting, yes? Not so much. Saying that we were an awkward couple is a serious understatement. I was even shyer than I am now and got tongue-tied every time he came near me. That being said, I never opened up to him. We never kissed. We never went to each others houses. We never even went out on an official date! We lasted three short months and I was the one who broke up with him. He had started flirting with other girls. It bugged me.

Fast forward to last year. CN and I had remained friends throughout the years, although we never started another relationship. I had developed plenty of crushes on him during this time, but I was too shy to make the first move. Typical Taylor.

Around this time I moved into a new house. A house that happened to be next door to CN's humble abode. Win. We began talking again. He started coming over after class. We talked, we flirted, we acted silly and happy and youthful together. He was so much different from the guy I had dated three years earlier. He was now dedicated to his faith and much more mature.

I, on the other hand, was not nearly as mature. I had recently discovered alcohol and marijuana and spent most of my time partying it up with my two new friends. CN knew about this and disapproved but still came over to see me. He often lectured me about my habits and my new friends. I scoffed at him.

He was in love with me.
He asked me on dates but I always refused.
He kept coming over even though I accidentally cried in front of him one time.
He asked my sister if I liked him.

Then DB entered the picture. I fell for him hard and we started a relationship.

CN stopped coming over, stopped talking to me, and became distant. At the time, I didn't care.

He met a girl, a christian girl, just as silly and dedicated to God as he was. They started dating.

A year later, I'm unhappy with my relationship with DB and lusting over CN once again. Unfortunately for my lovestruck heart, he's happy with his christian girlfriend and apparently is going to start ignoring me.

The worst part is that this is my fault. Completely. I let him go, I broke his heart, I chose DB over him. I feel like it was a mistake now.

He was so so in love with me. Could it really have faded?

By the way...
--No visit from Aunt Flo yet. I'm freaking the fuck out.
--I biked 24 miles (!) yesterday and am now awfully and painfully sunburned
--Thank you to everybody who's visited my blog lately! It means a ton to me!


Cheddar said...

I don't know the whole story, but I could say from experience that he may still love you but is afraid he'd get hurt again. I'm sure it's hard, but sometimes you just have to forget the past and move on (or at least that's what RevRun's email told me this morning).

Good luck! What kind of bike do you ride? I haven't been out for a ride in FOREVER, but I've got a Giant road bike.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Such is life. You ask the flight attendant for beef and then wish you'd taken the chicken. I think it's time to forget about the chicken and try seafood.

Rachel said...

You never know. I always end up going back to the same guy, and that's lasted for eight years now. Sometimes things fade, sometimes they just don't.