Overreaction? I think not.

I let spiders live in my room.

Except on my bed. If the fuckers even try to crawl all creepy-like onto my beautiful comfy bed, I will SMOOSH their arachnid asses!

But if they're chilling under my desk, eating the gross ants and mosquitoes and earwigs that sometimes venture into my room, I'll let them live and sometimes even name them. One reason my blog is anonymous.

I named the last one I found creeper, because GOD, he was creepy. But naming him made him a little less creepy and even a little cute (shuttup), and I was able to cope with the scary guy living near my trash can.

Spiders love Job #1, by the way. Like love-love it. They've swarmed the building, I've seen customers run from them, and the employees are encouraged to sweep them off the side of the building in our free time.

The spiders aren't usually too bad this time of year. I've seen one in the trash can and a few crawling around in the corners, but nothing too creeptastic.

Until tonight.

We'd just closed down the shop and I was driving a co-worker across the street so she wouldn't have to brave the rapist-infested streets on her own. Just kidding, I don't work in a rapist-infested neighborhood. We're just paranoid.

I pull into the empty (not counting my co-worker's car) and dark parking lot. I park. I look out my driver's side half-rolled-down window. And I come face-to-face with...

...THE HUGEST EFFING SPIDER I'VE EVER SEEN!!! And ohmigod, it's crawling up towards the open window INTO MY CAR!!!

I scream like I've never screamed before and then panic. I frantically roll up the window as fast as I flippin can! The spider is seriously racing me, running as fast as it can up the window so it can get into my car and kill me. It's a close call, but I luckily close the window literally just before the killer gets in.

Everybody else in the car had flipped the fuck out. They had no idea what I was screaming about and had assumed the worst.

But, seriously, what's worse than having a huge spider bite your face and suck out all of your blood? That's right, it almost happened to me.

Throw it up! And pick it up at the next window

I so love my job (#1).

Something you should know about me: I work two jobs. Job #1 is fabulous and easy and fun. Job #2 is not-so-fabulous and shitty and I actually hate the bitch. To help you remember which is which, I made up this handy poem:

1 is fun.
2 is poo.

Anyways.

I worked at job #1 today. Awesomeness galore. There's a lotta things to love about job #1:

I can eat a shitload of free food when I'm working alone. Healthy, I know.

We have 'regular customers' whom I love. I feel like we're old pals. Just because I know what they're going to order. Yeah. Especially the little boy who comes every week and orders the exact same thing and specifies, every time, what color he wants it. Especially because he came today and proudly told me that "today was his last day of kindegarten!" Awwwww!!! He's a cutie. Pedofileish? I think not.

My co-workers are more than my co-workers. They're my girls and I love them! Besides the new girl, we've all worked there for years and we've bonded-over-work, you know?

I'm awesome at working here. And, no, I am not full of myself. I just happen to be the shit at my job. I've been working there for four years, so you'd better believe I know whatthefuck I'm doing! And that makes me feel cool.

I love the tips. I'm good at making them. I'll blog about that another time.

I love how easy this job is. When business is slow, I sit back and read. Today I finished an entire book and got paid for it, bitches! Plus, if I'm working by myself I can plug my ipod into the radio and dance all crazy-like. I know you know what I mean. You do it too when nobody's looking.



So I was doing that today. And I was blasting that shit.

And, BAM!, it got busy. So I dance up to the order-window real quick and start taking orders. And the music is still really loud. Like, the customers could definitely hear it. And this song comes on:




And I'm like, shiiiiit!! Because I didn't know what to do. The line was pretty fricking long and so I decided to ignore the music and hurry through the orders so that they'd all leave me to my peace and dancing.

Tay: Hi!
Lil Jon: YEEEeeeeeeeeeah!!
Tay: What can I get for you today?
Customer: I'll have a -
Lil Jon: THROW IT UP MUTHA FUCKER, THROW IT UP!!!
Tay: I'm sorry, what was that?
Customer: *disgusted* I. Said. I'll. Have. A. Small-
Lil Jon: WE RUN THIS!
Tay: I'm sorry, what was- Nevermind. One second.

And I turned it off. After a few orders and a few offended customers.

The bosses' husband showed up minutes after I turned it off. Hollaa!