Summer Goals, Revisited

Remember once upon a time when I decided to make summer goals for myself? Yeah... Let's revisit those goals and see how I've done. After all, I go back to the university in 2 days. Summer's just about over for me. *sigh*

1) Stop obsessing over have-beens (CN)
-Success! Not only did I stop obsessing over CN, but we reconnected and finally talked about our past. I've even stopped stalking him! Kinda. Old habits die hard, you know?

2) Bike the entire bike trail (48 miles)
-Fail. DB and I biked half and then turned around. 24 miles is better than nothing, right? I still want to complete this goal.

3) Reconnect with some old friends
-Success! Two words. The Cheffess. We're closer than we ever were in the past. I've had the greatest and craziest summer of my life and I completely owe it to her. We're two of a kind and I absolutely LOVE HER!

4) Go on a photo-taking excursion
-Fail. Does the UP trip count? I don't think so.

5) Play the guitar and piano more often
-Fail. The biggest fail, actually. I haven't played the guitar in a month and my keyboard is collecting dust in the corner of my room. This makes me so sad, music used to be my life. I'm a musician at heart and need to reconnect with the greatest love of my life.

6) Develop a regular exercise schedule
-Fail. Good one, Taylor. I haven't exercised since February. You think I'm joking.

7) Have sex in the woods
-Fail. Trust me, we tried. Here and here. And then we tried again (but I didn't blog about it). It's hard to find a comfortable spot in the forest to fuck. Mosquitoes? Hikers? Yeah.

8) Go skinny-dipping
-Fail. I completely forgot about this

9) Have a picnic on the beach
-Fail. And there's a sad story behind this one. In July, The Dealer invited me to a party. DB and I had plans but I ditched him to go drink/smoke the night away. I found out a week later that DB had planned a picnic-on-the-beach-while-watching-the-sunset for me. He had the food and blankets and everything in the trunk of his car already. Plus? He was bringing his acoustic guitar so he could play a song he had written for me. And I fucking ditched on him. I hate myself. I cried in a public restaurant when I found out.

So there you have it. I should never make summer goals again.

Thanks to everybody that commented yesterday, it meant so much to me. Your advice helped more than you could imagine and I'll be sure to keep you updated. I love you guys!!

Sometimes I Truly Hate Myself

I'm pretty sure DB and I are breaking up.

I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm heartbroken. But I'm unhappy here with him.

He's perfect. But he's too goddamn perfect for me.

I keep having to ask myself whether or not I love him.

If I truly loved him, that wouldn't happen ... right?

I want to be his best friend.

But not his girlfriend?

I'm too stressed and scared and shaking to write a real post.

I'm sorry.

TMI Thursday: I'm Still A Lady

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

As many of you know, DB and I have been dating for quite a while. I'm extremely comfortable around him and he's just as relaxed around me. However, there is one thing I refuse to do in front of him.

Fart.

I don't fart in front of anybody, not even my family. Especially not in front of DB. I think it's disgusting. Which is actually quite annoying, because I'm a gassy person. Nice, huh? DB calls me out on it all the time.

Tay: My tummy hurts.

DB: Do you have to fart?

Tay: What? No! I'm a lady and ladies don't fart.

DB: Bullshit.

So. Now that you know that particularly interesting tidbit about me...

A few weeks ago DB and I were lying in bed, snuggling, after eating a big meal. Everything was perfect and snuggly until my stomach started acting up. I could feel the fart forming in the pit of my abdomen and panicked. I clenched my butt cheeks as hard as I possibly could! There was no way in HELL I was farting on DB while we were spooning.

It took a lot of fucking effort to keep that fart in, and apparently it began to show.

DB: Woah, baby, your pulse is getting faster.

Tay: Oh *clenching with enormous force* Haha

DB didn't know what was going on and assumed my heartbeat was faster because I wanted to get sexy with him. And so he began touching and kissing and... well, you know.

I freaked the fuck out. There was no way I was having SEX while holding in an enormous FART!

But I did. It wasn't enjoyable, but I got through it. And I held it in, somehow. I politely excused myself after we were finished and let it out loudly in the bathroom. Win!!

I'm still a lady.

A Goodbye

We've been together since high school. I loved you more than I thought possible and never imagined that the love would grow throughout the years.

We've gone everywhere together. You accompanied me when I traveled to Vancouver with my family. Now that I actually think about it, we met and bonded in Vancouver. We hiked through the dense forests, we explored hidden streams, you even went whale-watching with me.

You and I were inseparable for years. You watched me drink and then vomit, you stared while I smoked too much, you saw me lie to my parents and then cry about it. Sometimes you and I would drive to the bookstore after fighting with mom, just to get out of the house.

You're my travel-buddy. I can't think of a single time I went road-tripping without you. We've explored Chicago, Vancouver, Toronto, Florida, Michigan, Ohio, and many more I'm sure. I'm beginning to forget all the times we've shared.

You were with me when I first met DB. You were there when he asked me to be his girlfriend, when we broke up, and when we got back together. We talk about you a lot; we agree that you're unique, silly, and absolutely perfect for me. We also agree that the years we've spent together are beginning to show.

You look tired and beaten, you look old and worn-out. Honestly, you look like you should've retired years ago. And yet I can't give you up. It's like you were made for me, you know me so well, we work perfectly together. However, I know in my heart that I have to say goodbye; you're nearly dead.

And so farewell. I will treasure you forever, shark shoes.

TMI Thursday: Look Before You Pee

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

While in the UP, DB and I did quite a bit of shopping. One store we stopped into was called Enchanted Knights. It was SO over-the-top. To say the least. Knights and swords and fairies everywhere. Magic wands? Man-skirts? A life-sized knight? They had it all. All the cashiers were dressed in Renaissance clothing (which was also for sale). They even talked in fake accents. Hilarious.

DB *cough. nerd. cough* loved it.

I thought it was ridiculous and vowed to share it with you bloggy people. I grabbed a business card so I'd remember the name. Except I then proceeded to lose it.

Would you like to know how?

The first thing I did after the looooooooong car ride was run inside the house to use the bathroom. Down came the pants, I did my business, and turned around to flush. Guess what was floating in the potty? Amidst the pee and poop?

Yep. The business card. Which had been in my back pocket only seconds ago! I had pissed on it. And then shit on it.

The worst part? I had to fish it out. Couldn't let the toilet get clogged!

TMI Thursday: Sex Dreams

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

DB and I were talking about sex dreams yesterday. He has them a lot apparently and I have them occasionally. We discussed who we dream about, how often, and whether or not this reflects a true desire for the dreamt person. What do you think, by the way? I'm curious.

Anyways. Here's a peek into our convo:

DB: I don't think the dreams mean anything at all. I mean, I do some pretty fucked-up things when I'm dreaming.

Tay: Ooh, like what?

DB: What? I'm not gonna tell you. It's horrible.

Tay: Now you've got me interested! You have to tell me.

DB: Nope. Too disgusting for the girlfriend's ears.

Tay: Puh-puh... pweeease *insert Taylor's adorable pleading face here*

DB: I've fucked my mom.

Tay: *pause* Ahahahahahaha!!!

DB: Multiple times.

Tay: Ahahahahahahaha!!

(this goes on for about a minute)

DB: I've fucked my dad.

Tay: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

(this goes on for the rest of the car ride)

So. Should I be worried?

Wordless Wednesday: Explorin'

(click that button to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

This is my darling DB. He's exploring his forest with me.
(I rhyme..)

I Ramble on Mondays 3 (on Tuesday!)

Hey lovers! I'm sure you're wondering where your favorite Taylor has been. Or not. I spent Sunday night and most of Monday at DB's cabin. I had a great time, it was really relaxing, his family owns a ton o' land in the middle of the wilderness; we wandered around for hours without seeing anybody.

We could have (but didn't...or did we?) lived as nudists and nobody would've known.

We also could have had sex in the woods. Unfortunately, I got sick. Damn you, sensitive stomach!!

Highlights of the trip?

• Seeing a lone turkey and three deer in DB's front yard



• The fireplace-y, cabin-y sex


• Exploring the forest until we thought we were lost (we weren't, sillies)
  


• The midnight thunderstorm

This week may be full of shitty blog posts, by the way. Just to warn you. I'm working extra hours at Job #1 and then leaving for Michigan's upper peninsula Friday morning. Can't wait!!

Also, I didn't take these pictures.

Where are you guys traveling this summer?

TMI Thursday: What Have I Done?!?

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always. Enjoy...

So. DB and I were texting yesterday. We were discussing our relationship problems. Meh.

DB: It's not fair that you get to do what you want [drugs] and I don't get to do what I want [buttsex]!

Tay: Lol. Fine. But only if you smoke with me.

Tay: (haha)

DB: Ooh, she drives a hard bargain. I guess I have no choice but to agree!

DB: (haha)

Tay: What, really? I'm so excited!

DB: What? Yesterday you told me you'd rather eat a live mouse than have buttsex.

Tay: ...

(it's true)

Wordless Wednesday: DB edition

(click button above to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

p.s. - My heart hurts because I didn't get many comments yesterday. I still need advice so if you'd like to visit yesterday's post... click here!

Love Stinks

My relationship with DB is deteriorating.

He doesn't approve of my recent activities (read: smoking) and he hates my friends. Seriously. He told me so.

I hate this. I want him to smoke with me. I want him to like my friends. I don't want to be forced to split up my time to accommodate everybody. I'm always letting somebody down. If he didn't hate them we could ALL hang out allthefuckingtime.

They all love him, by the way.

I don't know what to do. The situation is seriously starting to wear on us and it's time to stop ignoring the problem. Is it finally time for DB and I to take a break from the relationship? You guys know I've been thinking about taking a break for a while (CN anybody??). The difference between then and now? I actually have a real problem on my hands now.

Nothing too serious of course. And DB is more than happy to sacrifice his happiness to stay with me.

But what I'm doing makes him miserable. He hates it. It makes him sick. Why does he still want to be with me? I don't understand.

Love.

I really don't want to quit smoking. For once in my life I've found friends that I really enjoy spending time with. And a lot of our time spent together is spent smoking. Go ahead and judge, haters. We're getting so close and it means a lot to me, especially after Marinegirl left.

So what do I do?

Things to consider:
1) He would consider this "breaking up"
2) "breaking up" would probably break his heart
3) No more UP trip

Anybody have advice for this troubled chica? Pweease? I need help.

I Ramble on Mondays (2)

It's kind of like Friday Fragments, except I'm just ramblin' on and on about my weekend. After all, did you really expect a REAL post on a Monday?!? Really.

The Dealer threw a fantastic party at his place last night. I finally got to meet his potential girlfriend, there were so many people there that I haven't talked to in a while, everybody was happy and chill and...I don't know. It was just real fun.

I met a guy there last night, we'll name him The Drunk, who was pretty fun to talk to. Later that night I found out that he tried to drive home from the party, hit a trash can, got pulled over, and went to jail. Holy shit.

I gave Guitarguy a hug for the first time last night. I'm one of those weird girls that loves-loves hugs.

DB wants to talk. Dun dun dunnn. I don't know about what and I was pretty drunk when he was trying to explain over texting:

Tay: I love u.

DB: I really want 2 talk. Love u 2

Tay: Damn nothing wrong right? Im sry about earlier :/ *referring to a minor fight*

DB: Theres some issues...I accept ur apology :* im sry too

Tay: Phlease dont be mad.

DB: Im not mad. I dont get mad remember? Just sad. Very very sad.

Tay: Theres nothing wrong with this :( ur making me nervous about talking

DB: There's nothing wrong with what? And dont b nervous i just have a buildup of things i need 2 let out

Tay: K but if u blow up about this imma be upset.

DB: Not 2 b rude but u cant tell what i cant do. And if theres gonna b any blow up itll b water not fire. But i wont :] i love u so goddamn much taylor

Tay: i love u so goddamn much too :) thats why im worried about this

DB: Why r u worried? I just really need 2 say some things that have been inside me. Its like trying 2 hold on 2 a ball of needles. Dont worry therell b no br8kup

Tay: ok good. Imma go now tho. Love uuu.

DB: I loooooooooovvee uuu 2 sweetie. Text me when u get the chance

Did I tell you that LipRing has a girlfriend? Well, he does. I'm not even that upset either. It'd be easier to hate her if 1) she wasn't awesome 2) I didn't have a boyfriend and 3) if LipRing knew I like him. I'm supposed to be getting ready to go have lunch with them (and Redhead and the Cheffess and some other guy) right now.

I'd love to hear about your weekends if you feel like ramblin'.

Boyfriends

My first boyfriend's name was Curtis. Real name, by the way. I called myself his girlfriend for four years. Longest relationship I'd had so far. We met when he was five and I was six. The boys in my kindergarten class used to chase me around during recess, threatening to turn me into 'dead meat' if they caught me. Curtis would always save me.

My second boyfriend was CN. We didn't know each other very well when we first met. He was a middle school 'player', with a different girlfriend every week. I still don't know why that appealed to me. I was thirteen and he was twelve when we met. He was immature and liked to swear and talk about sex. I was simply shy. We lasted a short two months.

My third boyfriend was DB. I was attracted to his humorous personality and popularity. Everybody loved DB. He was seventeen and I was sixteen when we met. We discovered how alike we were after we started dating. We shared a love for music, a love for writing, a love for the outdoors, a love for conservation and the environment, a love for each other.

We broke up once, I thought CN was still in love with me again. Turns out he wasn't, or maybe he was, I'll never know. I got back together with DB too fast to find out.

We never fought until I started drinking and smoking with the Cheffess. I'm having so much fun with my new friends and hobbies and he refuses to take part in them with me. Is it wrong of me to want him to? I don't know how much longer we'll last.

Tell me about your boyfriends.

Third time's the charm

Remember the time when DB's wallet got stolen?

We've been trying to get a new licence for a while. I had no idea it was so damn difficult! I've been trying to help DB out with this (because I'm pretty much the most awesome loving girl in the world!) by driving him to and from the Secretary of State (which I'm going to shorten to SOS, because I say it a lot in this post). I don't want him driving licenceless! Anyways. We first started our search for the ever-so-elusive new licence on Wednesday. We planned to meet at his house at 9.

That day.
7:00 my alarm goes off.
SNOOZE.
7:08 my alarm goes off.
SNOOZE.
7:16 my alarm goes off.
SNOOZE.

See a pattern here?

8:00 my alarm goes off. And stays off. Lucky me, if I don't stop hitting snooze within an hour, the alarm clock assumes it's impossible to wake this bum up and gives up. Shiiiit.

11flippin30 the bright near-afternoon sunshine wakes me up.

Tay: *yells out a stream of cuss words waaaay too vulgar for this blog*

DB had texted me plenty of times, wondering where the hell I was, but I had my phone on silent. Smart.

I race over to his house, hair mussed and unshowered (ew), and we race off to the SOS. 3 hours later than we'd planned to. Awesome.

Guess what obstacle we run into next? I'm driving on the highway, upset at myself for being so damn lazy, and we realize that the exit I need is closed for construction. Really? Did it have to be today?

Lucky me, DB knew another way to get there. Or not. His awesome direction skills led me way out in the middle of nowhere and then back - literally exactly where we had started. Thanks, baby.

DB and I are real annoyed and hungry now, so we decide to put off SOS until the next day and go out for some delicious breakfast instead.

Next day.
DB is prepared with his birth certificate and social-security card. I'm prepared with a new route, highway-free and hopefully free of construction.

We arrive at the SOS quickly enough and all seems perfect. The parking lot wasn't even full! This never happens! Life seemed good.

Until we got inside.

SOS girl: We actually need more identification than this. Bring in some W2 forms, a diploma, maybe some mail of yours? Anything like that will work.

W. T. F. Seriously!?!?

The funny thing is, DB had googled the SOS online to make sure he had everything he needed. And that liar website told us that he only needed his SS number and the birth certificate.

We were fuming. And hungry again.

Cue some more delicious breakfast.

Third time's the charm, right? And it was, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to drive back home and then back out there again. Probably just go out for breakfast.

Happy weekend :)

As you can probably tell, I'm still pretty mad

New decision: I hate people.

Why, you ask?

Today DB got his wallet stolen by an ugly stupid whore bitch.

It was noonish and we were driving to get gas. Keep in mind what you should know about DB: he works third shift, and so being up at noon means that he only slept about three hours. He wasn't too focused today.

Anyways, we're getting gas. We pull up, pay, pump gas, blah, blah, blah. And we drive away.

I'm looking out the window like I usually do and something in the rear view mirror catches my eye. It almost looked like something small and black had flown off of the top of DB's car. Dun dun dunnn.

Tay: Hon? Do you have your wallet?
DB: Yeah, why?
Tay: Never mind. I thought I saw something fall of the top of your car.
DB: *feels around in his pocket* SHIT! MY WALLET!

So he FLIES the car around in the most suicidal U-turn I've ever experienced and drives back down the street. It can't be more than 20 seconds after the damn thing flew off the car.

DB: Oh. My. God. I'm pretty sure somebody's picking it up right now. In that white car.

And sure enough, I could see a stupidass ugly whore trash bitch pick something up off the ground and jump back into her pieceofshit car.

*DB and Tay pull up next to the car*
DB: *rolls down the window while waving frantically* Hey. Have you seen a wallet around here?
Stupidass ugly whore trash bitch: No.
DB: Oh. Kay...
*Stupidass ugly whore trash bitch quickly drives off*

We park. We search around. We find a few dollars, a bookstore gift card, and pictures of DB's cousin in the exact place that the Stupidass ugly whore trash bitch's car had been. Exactly where we had seen her get out and pick something up.

The bitch had lied straight to our faces.

DB was angry, but he's good at hiding it. I've never sworn so much in my life.

I'd like to think people are generally good. I really would. I try not to stereotype, I try not to judge, I try to get to know people, and I try to BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY TELL ME THEY HAVEN'T SEEN A WALLET AROUND. So would DB. Hence us driving away and letting her go without getting her licence plate or anything. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Luckily, DB had been lazy and stuck his credit card into his pant pocket instead of back into the wallet. And he barely had any money because he only uses the credit card now.

I hope her bad karma gives her herpes.

By the way...
--I saw CN getting his mail today and he waved at me. I melted.
--This hot guy I work with (Job #2) complained about his new girlfriend to me. He used to complain about his old girlfriend too. He totally wants me.

EDIT
The only person in the whole world I don't hate is Maxie, because of this fabulousness:

And that's what I get for staying up late

The plan: Wake up early. Shower, eat, do makeup. Fix my hair so it looks real messy and sex-kitteny. Get dressed in something very similar to this little number:...

...and then wait for DB at the door. Surprise him with perfect and beautiful and delicious sexy sex.

What really happened: I stayed up real late the night before being my normal lame self. I was stressing over DB's request to have us try role-playing and so I was googling role-playing scripts to help my lame ass prepare. For anyone in a similar situation, this site won't help. The femdom (female domination) section didn't help me at ALL!! They encouraged lots of spitting in mouths. Gag me please. Disgusting.

Reading about sex made me kind of horny, not gonna lie. I decided to google some more femdom stuff. I wanted my plan to go perfectly, after all, and I knew DB would really enjoy me being more dominant. The first (and forever last) website I went to was TERRIBLE!!! Yep, I'm not linking to it. There's no way in HELL I'm subjecting you guys to that. I have never seen so many pictures of tortured man junk in my life. I was going to post some pictures of the shit the poor guys had attached to them, but do I want that on my blog? Nosirree.

Let's just say I was completely disgusted and turned-off of femdom.

But I was still horny.

So I decided to do something I've never done before. Check out porn. I locked my door, threw on some headphones, and googled the all-intriguing word: pornography!. I won't go into details about what I found. Let's just say it wasn't what I was looking for. But, hell, I realized something very important about myself: I hate seeing vag that isn't mine.

At that point it was a few hours past my planned bedtime, but now I didn't feel like going to bed AT ALL. After watching that shit? I'd probably dream of nasty girl vag and wake up screaming. "EeeeeWww!!" Real mature, Taylor. Reeeeal mature,I know.

Anyways. I turned to my ol' stand-by. Blogging!! I discovered this blog and this blog and this blog and laughed a lot. After a few hours of this I got real tired. I needed sleep badly. I figured I didn't have to turn on my alarm; I'd have no trouble waking up early for some *Taylor sings* delicious seeex!!

Fast forward to this morning where I rolled over from a great sleep to discover that it's already 1230 PM!!! I freaked out. I ran upstairs in my comfy pjs to see if he had arrived. Lucky me, DB was just parking and walking up to my door. Shiiit.

I answered the door looking quite like the tired, just-woken-up girl that I was.

Taylor: hey. I accidentally just woke up.

DB: *sighs and laughs sadly*

(he knew about my plan to wear sexy lingerie)

It must suck hardcore to be him.

Plus, the sex was not good. For me. Stupid girls from a stupid porn kept popping into my head and turning me off at the worst moments!! Thanks, porn. Damn you.

God, I'm Blessed

Today's wonderfulness completely made up for the lameness of yesterday!

I woke up to DB kissing my forehead, which was a complete surprise. I didn't think he was coming over until hours later. We snuggled in bed for a couple of minutes before heading out to get some McDonalds breakfast, yumm. Nothing like a thousand-calorie breakfast to wake you up!

After filling up on our fatty delicious breakfasts, we headed back to my place for some special alone time ;) The sex was great. Plus, we haven't had sex for WEEKS!!! So that made it all the more special and pleasing.

I decided to take a shower after a couple hours of this. When I got back, DB was fast asleep on my bed.

Something you should know about DB: he works third shift, which means 10:30 pm - 7:20 am. Ugh. He had arrived at my house around 8. He hadn't slept at all.

I snuck in, topless with boxer shorts on, trying to be quiet. He immediately sat up when he heard me re-close the door and stared at me for a couple of seconds.

DB: "God, I'm blessed."
Taylor: *melts*

He fell back asleep and later didn't remember that he said it. But he did! Godi'mblessed. Godi'mblessed. Godi'mblessed. I'm in love with a guy who thinks he's blessed to be with me.

No, DB. I'm blessed.

No, dogs do not turn me on.

So. Dearboyfriend (my boyfriend.. obviously..) and I had the worst conversation today. We were heading off to the mall when he asked to go have sex at his house instead. I whined about wanting to go to the mall and conversation stopped for a couple of minutes. He seemed real upset.

Taylor: Are you okay?
DB (dearboyfriend): Yeah, I'm fine, it'd just be... y'know... nice to have a girlfriend that finds me attractive.

Stupid. Of course I find you attractive. Otherwise I wouldn't be with you. Duh.

So we end up having this 15-minute conversation that consisted solely of me convincing him that I still find him attractive. Which I really do. I'm very physically attracted to him and I love sex with him. He's one of those guys that wants me to climax first, yknow? It's awesome.

The real reason I didn't want to go to his house for delicious sex? I'm scared shitless of his dog. The stupid bitch has bitten my feet twice now. I absolutely loathe that stupid dog and I've been avoiding his house for about a month because of it. But DB adores the stupid pooch and so I pretend I like her. He's one of those guys who would be secretly upset at something like me hating his dog. Luckily (and I'm going to have some shit karma for saying this), the dog is like 14 years old and nearing death.

I can't wait.