Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I'll Always Love Him

After I posted yesterday, CN and I texted for 5 and a half hours. And the time flew by. It felt like we were talking for maybe an hour. We never ran out of things to say.

This was the first real conversation I've had with him in years. Words can't even describe how thankful I am that we finally reconnected.

He broke up with his girlfriend recently. We talked about that. I've been having doubts about DB. We talked about that. We compared relationships. We realized how alike we are. We also discussed our differences. He lectured me about my bad habits (drinking... smoking...). We talked about work. We talked about love. We talked about jealousy. We talked about the past. We talked about us.

We finally, finally, finally talked about us.

He asked me whether or not I liked him back then; back when he used to come over everyday. I answered truthfully, yes. He confessed that he had loved me too, but was too nervous and self-conscious to ask me out.

Tay: You should have. I really liked you.
CN: It's weird how the more you like someone the harder it is to just make a move. The same thing happened to me in middle school.

So I asked him about middle school.

Tay: I have another question for you. Remember how we dated in middle school? Did you even like me back then? Because I never thought you did.
CN: That's funny because I felt like you were my one and only true love and that's probably why you thought that. Because I was so incredibly nervous around you.
CN: I almost asked you about middle school earlier but I didn't because I thought you'd think I was weird.
Tay: I almost didn't ask you because I wasn't sure if you'd remember that we dated.
CN: Lol. You were my biggest crush in middle school.

I can't believe it. After all these years of wondering. After all these years of loving him.

He's always felt exactly the same about me.

I'll always love him. As a friend. Maybe someday we can be more, but not today. Maybe someday when I've stopped drinking every night, when I've gotten tired of being high, when I've finally found God, then we can be together. But until then...

I am content. Finally.

CN: We'll probably run into each other in 10 years and get married like some lame romantic movie or a country song.
Tay: Haha. We'll have to wait and see.


hannahjustbreathe said...

Ohhh, MAN. Can I ever relate to this. One of my dearest friends/ex-boyfriends from high school and I recently reconnected after not talking for a few years, and we had a similar "How did you *really* feel about me back then" conversation. It's funny and sweet and a little intoxicating to think "What if...", isn't it?

Taylor said...

It really is. I've just always wondered and I'm so glad to hear that he felt the same way. It's something that's always bothered me. I'm just so incredibly happy that we talked.

Vie said...

Awwww. Now THAT is sweet. There a couple of people I'd like to have that conversation with. It must have felt awesome to finally know.

Wonderful said...

That's great that you finally know how he felt about you! I love having closure with these types of things.

Jill Pilgrim said...

That is so sweet! But I mean, no surprise, how could anyone not love you?

Elizabeth Marie said...

I'm with Jill.

And also...I love these conversations that finally answer questions and give some peace!

Taylor said...

Vie: It really truly did. Hope you have those conversations someday too!

Wonderful: Thanks! I love it too.

Jill Pilgrim: Aw, you're the sweetest! :) I love you too!

Elizabeth Marie: I love you more.