MOVING TO WORDPRESS

This is a very important post if you're a reader of My Name is Taylor. Why, you ask?

Because...

I will no longer be blogging at this address.

You can visit me at ...

http://hellotaylor.wordpress.com/

Do it.

(pwease?)

Summer Goals, Revisited

Remember once upon a time when I decided to make summer goals for myself? Yeah... Let's revisit those goals and see how I've done. After all, I go back to the university in 2 days. Summer's just about over for me. *sigh*

1) Stop obsessing over have-beens (CN)
-Success! Not only did I stop obsessing over CN, but we reconnected and finally talked about our past. I've even stopped stalking him! Kinda. Old habits die hard, you know?

2) Bike the entire bike trail (48 miles)
-Fail. DB and I biked half and then turned around. 24 miles is better than nothing, right? I still want to complete this goal.

3) Reconnect with some old friends
-Success! Two words. The Cheffess. We're closer than we ever were in the past. I've had the greatest and craziest summer of my life and I completely owe it to her. We're two of a kind and I absolutely LOVE HER!

4) Go on a photo-taking excursion
-Fail. Does the UP trip count? I don't think so.

5) Play the guitar and piano more often
-Fail. The biggest fail, actually. I haven't played the guitar in a month and my keyboard is collecting dust in the corner of my room. This makes me so sad, music used to be my life. I'm a musician at heart and need to reconnect with the greatest love of my life.

6) Develop a regular exercise schedule
-Fail. Good one, Taylor. I haven't exercised since February. You think I'm joking.

7) Have sex in the woods
-Fail. Trust me, we tried. Here and here. And then we tried again (but I didn't blog about it). It's hard to find a comfortable spot in the forest to fuck. Mosquitoes? Hikers? Yeah.

8) Go skinny-dipping
-Fail. I completely forgot about this

9) Have a picnic on the beach
-Fail. And there's a sad story behind this one. In July, The Dealer invited me to a party. DB and I had plans but I ditched him to go drink/smoke the night away. I found out a week later that DB had planned a picnic-on-the-beach-while-watching-the-sunset for me. He had the food and blankets and everything in the trunk of his car already. Plus? He was bringing his acoustic guitar so he could play a song he had written for me. And I fucking ditched on him. I hate myself. I cried in a public restaurant when I found out.

So there you have it. I should never make summer goals again.

Thanks to everybody that commented yesterday, it meant so much to me. Your advice helped more than you could imagine and I'll be sure to keep you updated. I love you guys!!

Sometimes I Truly Hate Myself

I'm pretty sure DB and I are breaking up.

I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm heartbroken. But I'm unhappy here with him.

He's perfect. But he's too goddamn perfect for me.

I keep having to ask myself whether or not I love him.

If I truly loved him, that wouldn't happen ... right?

I want to be his best friend.

But not his girlfriend?

I'm too stressed and scared and shaking to write a real post.

I'm sorry.

Wordless Wednesday: Dollar Bird Edition

(click that button to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

Somebody tipped me a dollar-bird at Job #1. Fucking fantastic.

I'll Always Love Him

After I posted yesterday, CN and I texted for 5 and a half hours. And the time flew by. It felt like we were talking for maybe an hour. We never ran out of things to say.

This was the first real conversation I've had with him in years. Words can't even describe how thankful I am that we finally reconnected.

He broke up with his girlfriend recently. We talked about that. I've been having doubts about DB. We talked about that. We compared relationships. We realized how alike we are. We also discussed our differences. He lectured me about my bad habits (drinking... smoking...). We talked about work. We talked about love. We talked about jealousy. We talked about the past. We talked about us.

We finally, finally, finally talked about us.

He asked me whether or not I liked him back then; back when he used to come over everyday. I answered truthfully, yes. He confessed that he had loved me too, but was too nervous and self-conscious to ask me out.

Tay: You should have. I really liked you.
CN: It's weird how the more you like someone the harder it is to just make a move. The same thing happened to me in middle school.

So I asked him about middle school.

Tay: I have another question for you. Remember how we dated in middle school? Did you even like me back then? Because I never thought you did.
CN: That's funny because I felt like you were my one and only true love and that's probably why you thought that. Because I was so incredibly nervous around you.
CN: I almost asked you about middle school earlier but I didn't because I thought you'd think I was weird.
Tay: I almost didn't ask you because I wasn't sure if you'd remember that we dated.
CN: Lol. You were my biggest crush in middle school.

I can't believe it. After all these years of wondering. After all these years of loving him.

He's always felt exactly the same about me.

I'll always love him. As a friend. Maybe someday we can be more, but not today. Maybe someday when I've stopped drinking every night, when I've gotten tired of being high, when I've finally found God, then we can be together. But until then...

I am content. Finally.

CN: We'll probably run into each other in 10 years and get married like some lame romantic movie or a country song.

Tay: Haha. We'll have to wait and see.

The Most Awesome Weekend in the History of Weekends. Seriously.

I've had the most fantastic weekend!! Seriously.

Friday?

I got together with MY GIRL The Cheffess to smoke. Lipring, Redhead, The Drunk, and another nameless character were there. I found out that Lipring cheated on his super-nice girlfriend. I don't like him nearly as much as I did...

But the night was fantastic to say the least.

Saturday?

Was even more fucking fantastic! The Cheffess and I went to a party. Highlights?

• Aaron telling me to call him anytime I'm single
• Aaron (drunk) announcing to everybody that I'm "absolutely gorgeous and SO cute"
• The Dealer's girlfriend inviting me to smoke alone with her and the Dealer. Seriously, what a fucking sweetheart!
• Even though the Cheffess left at midnight, I stayed out 'til 3.
• Guitarguy playing a song for me
• Guitarguy teaching me a song on the guitar
• Hugs goodbye from Aaron and Guitarguy
• Guitarguy in general
• Seriously. Guitar-fucking-guy
• Beer pong with Aaron (yeah... we lost)
• Smoking with my sister's preppy ex-boyfriend and then telling her about it

Sunday?

CN texted me. He broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to know if I was single. No, I'm not, but we still texted all day. I still waited anxiously for every reply. I still opted out of going out with DB to stay at home and text him. I still confessed my unhappiness with my current relationship. And then he visited me at work...

I still believe I may or may not love him.

Song of the Day: The Flood by Escape The Fate
What did you do this weekend?

Why Yes, I am a Scaredy Cat!

Lately? I've realized that I'm scared of... pretty much everything.

Some examples? I'm afraid of being mauled by a bear. Not only when I'm hiking through the wilderness of the UP, but when I'm walking down my street.

That's some scary shit.

I'm afraid of being blown off bridges when it's windy. Especially when I'm driving and my car gets all swerve-y because the wind is blowing THAT hard. And there's no way in hell I walk across bridges when it's windy. Duh.

I'm afraid of hitting a deer when I'm driving. I clench the wheel and frantically try to look FUCKING EVERYWHERE for deer whenever I pass a forest or a field or a farm or... you know... anywhere.

I'm afraid of DB's 14-year-old dog. I avoided his house for so long, his parents really thought I hated them. When I finally started visiting again, I only entered/exited through the basement, where his killer attack dog never ventures.

I'm extremely afraid of knives. Even butter knives and plastic knives. Point anything resembling a knife at me and I'll RUN to the other side of the room. Literally. DB thinks it's hilarious and loves to tease me with butter knives.

See? There's a fucking butter knife in his head.

I'm afraid of BIG ants. Not the little guys or the medium-sized buggers, but the huge fuckers with the fat bodies. They give me the heebie-jeebies almost as much as centipedes do.

Enough explanations. I'm afraid of bad weather. I'm afraid of driving in the snow. I'm afraid of losing my hearing. I'm afraid of birds pecking my eyes out. I'm afraid of being attacked by killer machines from outer space. I'm afraid of being stalked. I'm afraid of getting cancer from the microwave. I'm afraid of ferrets. I'm afraid of being home alone. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of getting cancer from my cell phone. I'm afraid of aliens. I'm afraid of public speaking. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of killer diseases. Oh, and I'm TERRIFIED of brittle stars.

OH GOD!!!! EW!!!!

*Ahem* In other news...

Song of the Day: Carry You Home by James Blunt
What are you afraid of???

p.s. Have a beautiful weekend!

TMI Thursday: I'm Still A Lady

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

As many of you know, DB and I have been dating for quite a while. I'm extremely comfortable around him and he's just as relaxed around me. However, there is one thing I refuse to do in front of him.

Fart.

I don't fart in front of anybody, not even my family. Especially not in front of DB. I think it's disgusting. Which is actually quite annoying, because I'm a gassy person. Nice, huh? DB calls me out on it all the time.

Tay: My tummy hurts.

DB: Do you have to fart?

Tay: What? No! I'm a lady and ladies don't fart.

DB: Bullshit.

So. Now that you know that particularly interesting tidbit about me...

A few weeks ago DB and I were lying in bed, snuggling, after eating a big meal. Everything was perfect and snuggly until my stomach started acting up. I could feel the fart forming in the pit of my abdomen and panicked. I clenched my butt cheeks as hard as I possibly could! There was no way in HELL I was farting on DB while we were spooning.

It took a lot of fucking effort to keep that fart in, and apparently it began to show.

DB: Woah, baby, your pulse is getting faster.

Tay: Oh *clenching with enormous force* Haha

DB didn't know what was going on and assumed my heartbeat was faster because I wanted to get sexy with him. And so he began touching and kissing and... well, you know.

I freaked the fuck out. There was no way I was having SEX while holding in an enormous FART!

But I did. It wasn't enjoyable, but I got through it. And I held it in, somehow. I politely excused myself after we were finished and let it out loudly in the bathroom. Win!!

I'm still a lady.

Wordless Wednesday: Double D Edition

(click that button to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

Dontcha just want to snuggle with them?

Everything is Beautiful

Today I mourn for the loss of a friend.

He quit his job. The job we shared. The only time we got to see each other. And how did I find this out? Fucking facebook.

What the hell, Daniel?

Heartbreak hurts.

I remember when I first met my dear friend Daniel. He stood, looking professional in his silly work uniform, near the front of the store. I glanced at him with shy admiration and said nothing. Daniel looked at me and immediately introduced himself. Asked how I liked my job. Simply talked with me. I don't remember much of him from this time; he was just another employee in my eyes.

This sure wasn't the case, and I learned quickly. I remember the day I first felt like we bonded. We were cleaning together in the main room, sweeping and scrubbing. We talked. Daniel confessed to me that he had a crush on a fellow employee - a loud, silly, immature-but-totally-sexy girl I admired. I gave Daniel advice (ask her to a movie!), he squirted me with sanitizer.

On one particularly busy day, Daniel was overwhelmed by the customers. He looked at me with frantic eyes, surrounded by impatient assholes, and mouthed "HELP!" In a jiffy I was at his side, ready to help, and telling him, "I'm here, Daniel dear." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. "I love you" he said.

After that, I talked to Daniel as much as possible. I told him I had a boyfriend (DB). He told me he was going to kill him (because he loved me). If I hadn't been completely in love with DB at the time, I probably would've fallen for Daniel.

Daniel began greeting me by saying "hello beautiful" or "hey gorgeous". I tried calling him beautiful once. He called me a liar. I'm guessing he still doesn't believe me today.

One day, to my pleasure, I got Daniel to admit that he finds me "absolutely beautiful" (yes, we both use the word beautiful a lot). I loved him for that. I waltzed out of the store on clouds, belting out beautiful symphonies and nearly flying. Or not. But I was glowing.

He's so alive. He's so honest. He loves people and isn't afraid to tell them. He appreciates life more than anybody else I've ever met. And he's living it to the fullest, that's for sure. Wherever Daniel goes, the party follows. My quality of life sky-rockets just being around his energy.

I remember the last time I had a real conversation with Daniel. I stayed after work for a while to talk with him. He laughed at me for having a childish watch. I admired him for traveling to Europe to study literature. He admitted that he hates himself sometimes. Then he admitted that he actually really loves me. Then (on a high from being complimented by him)...I left.

I wish I had known he was leaving. I wish I had known that it was the last time I'd get the chance to talk with him. I would've hugged him. I would've given him a big kiss on the cheek. I would've told him how much he means to me. I would've told him I admire him, love him... so much.

He inspires me to live crazier, be happier, just let it be. He reminds me that it's okay to love unconditionally - to love fucking everything and everyone because, hell, life is beautiful and if you can't appreciate it you might as well lie down and die.

Daniel? I wish you hadn't left.
Daniel? You're beautiful.
Daniel? I love you.

And, Daniel? God, I miss you.

Song of the Day: Inside Out by Eve 6

Have you ever lost a best friend? Suddenly?

Dear Sharks...

Dear sharks,

Let me begin by saying I'm sorry the entire blogosphere spent last week bashing you. It's not your fault Discovery gave you your own week! Actually, the attention doesn't help you at all; you're portrayed as vicious man-eating creatures. Not the case.

I'm here to let you know that not every blogger hates you. In fact, some of us (me) really like you! I even have shark shoes.

I've always been a shark fan and I always will be. Someday I'd like to swim with you guys, particularly the giant and beautiful whale shark.

Breathtaking.

I do my best to let people know about the problems facing you guys: shark finning, bycatch, global warming and more. I'm an environmentalist, an animal-lover, and a wannabe marine biologist. I promise to keep fighting for you.

Some people find it weird that I think you guys are cute, especially the Basking Shark. Look at his adorable wide open mouth! I even have lots of cuddly sharks at home:

Aww.

I could go on and on about how un-scary you are in real life, how important you are to ocean ecosystems, and how few shark attacks there have been. But I believe I've already made my point.

I love sharks more than I love tigers.

I guess that's the end of my letter, sharks. You now know that you have a friend in this bloggy world and she thinks you're awesome.

Love,
Taylor

A Goodbye

We've been together since high school. I loved you more than I thought possible and never imagined that the love would grow throughout the years.

We've gone everywhere together. You accompanied me when I traveled to Vancouver with my family. Now that I actually think about it, we met and bonded in Vancouver. We hiked through the dense forests, we explored hidden streams, you even went whale-watching with me.

You and I were inseparable for years. You watched me drink and then vomit, you stared while I smoked too much, you saw me lie to my parents and then cry about it. Sometimes you and I would drive to the bookstore after fighting with mom, just to get out of the house.

You're my travel-buddy. I can't think of a single time I went road-tripping without you. We've explored Chicago, Vancouver, Toronto, Florida, Michigan, Ohio, and many more I'm sure. I'm beginning to forget all the times we've shared.

You were with me when I first met DB. You were there when he asked me to be his girlfriend, when we broke up, and when we got back together. We talk about you a lot; we agree that you're unique, silly, and absolutely perfect for me. We also agree that the years we've spent together are beginning to show.

You look tired and beaten, you look old and worn-out. Honestly, you look like you should've retired years ago. And yet I can't give you up. It's like you were made for me, you know me so well, we work perfectly together. However, I know in my heart that I have to say goodbye; you're nearly dead.

And so farewell. I will treasure you forever, shark shoes.

TMI Thursday: Look Before You Pee

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

While in the UP, DB and I did quite a bit of shopping. One store we stopped into was called Enchanted Knights. It was SO over-the-top. To say the least. Knights and swords and fairies everywhere. Magic wands? Man-skirts? A life-sized knight? They had it all. All the cashiers were dressed in Renaissance clothing (which was also for sale). They even talked in fake accents. Hilarious.

DB *cough. nerd. cough* loved it.

I thought it was ridiculous and vowed to share it with you bloggy people. I grabbed a business card so I'd remember the name. Except I then proceeded to lose it.

Would you like to know how?

The first thing I did after the looooooooong car ride was run inside the house to use the bathroom. Down came the pants, I did my business, and turned around to flush. Guess what was floating in the potty? Amidst the pee and poop?

Yep. The business card. Which had been in my back pocket only seconds ago! I had pissed on it. And then shit on it.

The worst part? I had to fish it out. Couldn't let the toilet get clogged!

Wordless Wednesday: UP Edition

(click that button to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

It Was Mostly Good!

So, the UP was fun. I had a great time and I want to say THANKYOU to everybody that wished me a good time. Love you guys!

Also, I know I promised you something awesome today, but I'm super duper tired from the trip and so all you're getting is some Monday-on-Tuesday-ramblin'. As always, right?

Good news. I didn't get eaten by a bear. I know you were worried. I was. Seriously.

Bad news. I didn't see a moose. Fuck.

(I wish I saw that sign)

Good news. DB and I have an insane amount of luck. It rained everyday but never while we were out and about. It rained while we were driving, it rained while we were sleeping, it rained while we were in the hotel. Then we stepped outside to see some awesome geography (god, I'm a nerd). And it stopped. Good karma, bitches. Just sayin'

Bad news. We bought umbrellas just in case and didn't get to use them.

Good news. I discovered my love for the game Hearts. I highly recommend you learn to play it. I was bored during the car ride, decided to try it out, and discovered a whole carddeckful of fun!

More good news. I also discovered my love for Goatse's. *drooool*

In other news, I'm exhausted. I'm off to sleep now. Also? I think I'm funny but I'm really not. Ask DB. Or you could just read my blog. If you're interested in the actual sites/activities we took part in while vacationing you can email me at mynameisxtaylor@gmail.com. Do it.

Zzzzzzz...

The Invitation

Hey lovers. By the time you read this, I'll be road-trippin' with DB to Michigan's upper peninsula! Exciting, yes? I'll be back late Monday, so don't expect a Monday post - I'm sorry! I promise something awesome (maybe) on Tuesday.

Anyways.

I wanted to leave something special for you guys while I was gone. I wanted to write something meaningful, something touching, something that would inspire you.

Haha, fat chance. Guys? I suck at writing unless I spend some real quality time on it. And I've been busy.

So, instead, enjoy this poem. My step dad shared it with me one night and I've never forgotten it. It reminds me that life itself and everything in it is a miracle. It inspires me to live better and love more. It reminds me to stay true to what I believe is right, no matter who disagrees. It's one of my favorite pieces of writing, and I really hope it speaks to you like it did to me.

***

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream

of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know

if you will risk looking like a fool for love,

for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,

if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become

shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with the pain, mine or your own,

without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with your joy, mine or your own,

if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,

to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty,

everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand

on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me where you live or how much money you have

I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone,

and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you, from the inside,

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself.

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

***

I hope your weekend is beautiful.

TMI Thursday: Sex Dreams

It's TMI Thursday, bitches!! Hosted by the lovely LiLu, as always.

DB and I were talking about sex dreams yesterday. He has them a lot apparently and I have them occasionally. We discussed who we dream about, how often, and whether or not this reflects a true desire for the dreamt person. What do you think, by the way? I'm curious.

Anyways. Here's a peek into our convo:

DB: I don't think the dreams mean anything at all. I mean, I do some pretty fucked-up things when I'm dreaming.

Tay: Ooh, like what?

DB: What? I'm not gonna tell you. It's horrible.

Tay: Now you've got me interested! You have to tell me.

DB: Nope. Too disgusting for the girlfriend's ears.

Tay: Puh-puh... pweeease *insert Taylor's adorable pleading face here*

DB: I've fucked my mom.

Tay: *pause* Ahahahahahaha!!!

DB: Multiple times.

Tay: Ahahahahahahaha!!

(this goes on for about a minute)

DB: I've fucked my dad.

Tay: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

(this goes on for the rest of the car ride)

So. Should I be worried?

Wordless Wednesday: Explorin'

(click that button to see more WW posts over at 5 Minutes for Mom)

This is my darling DB. He's exploring his forest with me.
(I rhyme..)

I Ramble on Mondays 3 (on Tuesday!)

Hey lovers! I'm sure you're wondering where your favorite Taylor has been. Or not. I spent Sunday night and most of Monday at DB's cabin. I had a great time, it was really relaxing, his family owns a ton o' land in the middle of the wilderness; we wandered around for hours without seeing anybody.

We could have (but didn't...or did we?) lived as nudists and nobody would've known.

We also could have had sex in the woods. Unfortunately, I got sick. Damn you, sensitive stomach!!

Highlights of the trip?

• Seeing a lone turkey and three deer in DB's front yard



• The fireplace-y, cabin-y sex


• Exploring the forest until we thought we were lost (we weren't, sillies)
  


• The midnight thunderstorm

This week may be full of shitty blog posts, by the way. Just to warn you. I'm working extra hours at Job #1 and then leaving for Michigan's upper peninsula Friday morning. Can't wait!!

Also, I didn't take these pictures.

Where are you guys traveling this summer?